"So, your mom died..."

It's hard to be "the kid whose parent died" and I'm not even a kid. Not really, not anymore. However, I firmly believe that we all still need our parents and are their little kids, no matter how big we get.

It's hard, though, because oftentimes people don't know how to deal with you after a major loss. Or they're afraid you're going to break down at any moment. Or they stop talking to you altogether because they just dot know what to say anymore. Or they're afraid you're going to unleash the floodgates on them and never stop talking. And I feel like this may actually be even worse for us kids-who-aren't-really-kids anymore.

I'm 27. Still single. Fiercely independent, but still dependent in many ways. Crazy, but normal. Spontaneous, but cautious. I live alone. I have many acquaintances, but few real friends. I know I'm alot stronger than I give myself credit, but I also know that I need other people to help me through this. I am afraid of letting people get too close, and I'm not really sure why. I've lost best friends before. And my mother was truly my best friend. So filling the un-fillable void that she has left is impossible, but I have to move on.

But then again, it's not even been four months. I've been told I'm handling "it" really well. But what is "it" ? Her death? The fact that she can't come back? The fact that I won't have her for any other major milestones? And... have I really handled it all that well? Only time will really tell, and I'm nowhere near my new normal. Not yet.

So... Now what?

Life and all its challenges

I figure it's time to come clean with you all. It'll help to explain yours truly's absence these past few months, and the subject matter may become a focus of this wonderful bloggy space for the foreseeable future.

In late November, my mother passed away. Her death came as a shock after a very brief fight with a terrible, terrible cancer. And by very brief, I mean we got a diagnosis of cancer and she died 10 days later.

Photo Cred: ihatecancer.net

Talk about not having time to process that  shit  ....erm.... stuff.

It threw our family for a loop, especially because the day she was given the terrible diagnosis was the day that Prudence's handsome neffie, Mr. Li-man, was born. The joy we should have had celebrating the beginning of his life was tainted by the strain of knowing we didn't have much time left with his Nanna. They did get to meet in what was the most touching moment of my life... Our family gathered in a Hospice room as Nanna and grandson met on his 5th day of life. We smiled. We cried. But most importantly, we prayed.

Photo Cred: National Catholic Register

You can imagine the questions I had for God in the 10 day period as my mother fought for her life and in the days, now months, after her death. My mother's life was taken all too quickly from us. Selfishly, I thought of all of the things that I wouldn't have my mom around for - my impending graduation (if I can finish The Big Paper), my wedding, my children...  This, too, is why it's been difficult to laugh... and perhaps even make God laugh these last few months.

So... in an effort to deal with my mind which has been running crazy with thoughts about mom, about life, about my future, about... everything... I figure what better way than to turn to this space and perhaps try to make God laugh again as I work through.... everything. He knows, I've not had the easiest go of it. I've made mistakes and been downright angry. Grief is a very stranger emotion that I don't know anyone ever fully grasps. Ever.

But... I'm trying. Trying to make sense of everything and trying to achieve a new normal without getting to talk to the person I ran everything by, the person who I told everything to... my best friend, my mother.

"Mothers and daughters are joined at the heart; no matter the distance, they're never apart."

Habemus Papam!

We have a new pope! I'm trying to figure out how to get Blogger to let me update my pictures so that Papa Emeritus Benny can get his new title, and Pope Francis (or Papa Paco as I think I shall call him) can take his place among the hall of popes along the right side of this here bloggy space.



Photo Cred: Catholic Vote
Fr. Guido over there to the right doesn't look too enthused...Smile GUIDO!

But Blogger is being a pain in the tukkus right now. Or maybe it's my office computer. Who knows. Once I figure it out, it'll be updated.

But until then... enjoy Papa Paco and his cute little humble wave hi:

Photo Cred: Catholic Memes

Leading Lady of My Own Life!

Things that I've reflected on since last week's post where I asked

"What makes you laugh? What makes you smile? Why do you care? Or why don't you care?" -Prudence Thorne, last Friday (March 8, 2013)

(Yes, I'm quoting myself. All bloggers do that. We're so humble.)

Honestly.. I need to be on a journey to re-discover these things.

So: What makes me laugh? Funny jokes, silly mistakes, people being goofy, funny movies, nature's mishaps.... those things make me laugh. But I don't feel like I've REALLY laughed for a while.

Photo Cred: Be Active Decatur!

What makes me smile? Beautiful days, friends, babies (especially my neffie, Mr. Li-man as my Baby J calls him), geese, fancy dresses, and awesome shoes.



Silly Goose

Why do I care? HUM DINGER here!!! I care... SO MUCH... about alot of things. And people. Probably more than most people really know. Too much in some cases. If you're my friend, I would literally do anything to help you out. Sometimes this deep way of caring is problematic when people don't seem to care that you care so much. They don't acknowledge it all the time or.. I don't even know. But I also care too much about what other people think of me and what I do. I've let it control and dominate how I act/react, how I behave, and what I do. And you know what? I shouldn't. Because, I'm pretty awesome just as I am, regardless of what other people think!

I care. Yup.

But.. it takes constant reminders to myself that I am. I work on this all the time. More so now that I've identified it as a problem that I've been dealing with for at least a year, if not my whole life.

One of the cutest actor-old men of all time, Eli Wallach, portraying Arthur in that Christmas movie that I can't think of the name of right now but has Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet and Jude Law and Jack Black in it as well (funny I can think of every actor and character... but not the name of the movie...I could look it up but I don't want to)...

D'aww look how cute Eli Wallach is. Photo Cred: Scribe Meets World

ANYWAY..  Eli Wallach playing this old man, Arthur, who used to be a screenwriter, tells his new friend, Kate Winslet (who does everything for everyone but doesn't take care of herself so much) that she needs gumption like all the leading ladies of old Hollywood films. And that's what I need too... Kate Winslet's character makes the bold claim:

"I should be the leading lady of my own life!"

And gosh darn it... she's right. I should be. So... here we go!

The name of the movie is The Holiday, I google searched the quote to make sure I had it right, and it came up. Teehee.

Time to Make God laugh again

Haven't posted anything here in a while.

If we're being honest, I haven't been happy in a while either. But as I sat and watched time slowly pass by being unhappy, life began to pass me by too.

What makes you laugh? What makes you smile? Why do you care? Or why don't you care? Thoughts have blown through my mind in the months that it's been since I've allowed myself to blog that I should have blogged about, but I just let life pass me by.

Well no more, gosh darn it!! Those thoughts need an escape. I've thought for far too long and not shared myself which has become a problem. I've been a slave to my own mind, my own demons, and I'm hoping that by "picking up the pen again" and blogging, maybe I'll achieve some sort of release.

And ... make God laugh again. He knows I've needed it!

Things won't always be happy-go-lucky as your dear friend Prudence has been through quite alot in the last 6 months. But it promises to be a journey of self-discovery, ups and downs, and hopefully life lessons. So... Sit back kids. Let's see what happens!