It's hard to be "the kid whose parent died" and I'm not even a kid. Not really, not anymore. However, I firmly believe that we all still need our parents and are their little kids, no matter how big we get.
It's hard, though, because oftentimes people don't know how to deal with you after a major loss. Or they're afraid you're going to break down at any moment. Or they stop talking to you altogether because they just dot know what to say anymore. Or they're afraid you're going to unleash the floodgates on them and never stop talking. And I feel like this may actually be even worse for us kids-who-aren't-really-kids anymore.
I'm 27. Still single. Fiercely independent, but still dependent in many ways. Crazy, but normal. Spontaneous, but cautious. I live alone. I have many acquaintances, but few real friends. I know I'm alot stronger than I give myself credit, but I also know that I need other people to help me through this. I am afraid of letting people get too close, and I'm not really sure why. I've lost best friends before. And my mother was truly my best friend. So filling the un-fillable void that she has left is impossible, but I have to move on.
But then again, it's not even been four months. I've been told I'm handling "it" really well. But what is "it" ? Her death? The fact that she can't come back? The fact that I won't have her for any other major milestones? And... have I really handled it all that well? Only time will really tell, and I'm nowhere near my new normal. Not yet.
So... Now what?
No comments:
Post a Comment